Yesterday started like any other Sabbath. Hubby and I were excited about going over the Torah portion and discussing in-depth themes and just having a great time. At the end, for some reason, my mood changed for the worst. I started wondering what the Lord wanted from me and/or His plan for me. I thought ‘how am I benefitting anyone by my existence?’ And ‘why do I even get out of bed?‘ I don’t have a “job” where I report to someone anymore. I’m alone all week and have no interaction with people therefore I cannot be useful to anyone. I thought about how there is no one that I could help or bring a smile to their face somehow.Then I thought of all of the areas in which I lacked and convinced myself that I’m useless and that even Yahweh cannot use me. Was this self-pity? It sure sounds like it but after about an hour of this, my thoughts turned.
I thought about what I really wanted and that is to glorify Yahweh. I’m not especially good at anything so it’s not like I can help someone by teaching, or writing. (blogging doesn’t count – that’s just me rambling) I’m not even sure what my spiritual gift is. All I know is that I love His truths and love to be corrected if that means I get to come out from that error. Then my thoughts turned to one glorious year when I lived in White Oak, PA. For an entire year I spent all of my time (when not working) with the Lord. All of my leisure was spent with Him. All of the worldly amusements were like a dry piece of toast in my mouth. I cancelled my cable so I didn’t watch tv. I disconnected my phone so I wouldn’t be interrupted. I put the radio on to hear the occasional sermon. I spent hours upon hours reading scripture and praying to the Lord. I remember looking at my watch and thinking, ‘I only have eight hours to spend with the Lord.’ Now, I cannot fathom spending that much time with Him but back then, it wasn’t long enough! During that time, I felt like I was in classroom because He was teaching me things daily. He would speak to my spirit and I would hear Him. I wish I could adequately express how I was feeling and the closeness I felt with the Father during that time but it cannot be explained – only experienced. I can say that I know what it is to not want for anything. To have no desires whatsoever except to be in His presence! To be so consumed by Him that I literally could not wait to get home to be with Him again. I was never more content and spirit-filled than when I lived there during that year. Then my lease was up at the end of the year and I moved back to the city. Then slowly but surely, life got in the way. I didn’t spend as much time with Him and I could tell my heart was a little colder.
Since then I’ve had my peaks and valleys like everyone else but then yesterday happened and I started thinking about all of these things. I thought about how I’ve let things of the world occupy my time like video games and music. While I didn’t ‘hear’ from the Lord yesterday, I got the sense that He’s not going to give me direction for my life until I obey what He’s already commanded and that is to give 100% of myself to Him. Of course this does not mean ignore my husband but my attention would be divided. (1 Corin 7:34) I’m talking about seeking His face. (Psalms 105:4, 1 Chron 16:11) So that’s what I’m going to do! And then I read a blog post from Beth Emunah that confirmed it. Not that I needed a confirmation but it is nice to get that second witness.